“Should” is one of the most powerful inhibitors of Spirit and self-esteem.
It’s full of weight and obligation. It drives us into inaction, mental paralysis, and self-shaming. It weighs on our psyche like a 50 lb. backpack weighs on a hiker. “Should’s” power is a stifling force in our lives.
Client Alex grew up in a fundamentalist church. The first time we met, he said he was failing in his spiritual life. When I asked him what he meant, he said, “I made it my New Year’s resolution to read through the first part of the Christian Bible. I’m supposed to be reading a chapter a day. I’m just not doing it.”
It quickly became apparent that Alex’s religious framework served up all kinds of “shoulds.”
Here’s a step we can take with spiritual direction clients who are “shoulding” on themselves: Help them convert the “I should” to an “I choose to” that truly inspires them. This amounts to helping them move from a victim and shame mindset to a creative and proactive mindset.
An inspiring “I choose to” leads us to energetic decisiveness and taking action. Any small action is more powerful and effective than 1000 “shoulds.”
“Shoulds” simply scold us. Actions, on the other hand, empower lasting and Divine transformation. And even if an action becomes a mistake, it has something to teach us.
This is all part of reminding our clients: there is a world of difference between the God who keeps score and the God who leads us via our inner desires.
When Alex listened deeply, he decided he wanted to choose a favorite Bible passage, meditate upon it, and then write a poem on what it means to him using entirely different words (he loved to write poetry).
Alex was able to convert a burdensome “should” into an exciting action. And in our next session, he shared a beautiful poem about the power of forgiveness.
Listen carefully for when clients use the language of “should,” and then see if you can help them transform the should into an exciting “I shall.”